She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the removalists come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a kilo of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawn shells, dipped in caviar, ...

I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate blokes prancing around like fairies, redecorating houses and talking about concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual, bull..... definitions have taken over the country! Real blokes of Australia, stand up, scratch your arse , burp and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby ann...

Hello, my name is Alan and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion f*****g chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Newcastle with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her dysfunctional parents sell her to a travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are you? "O...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you ...

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."...

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come he...

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that . in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of a...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s ** t. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I...

A young woman in Melbourne was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Yarra. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her. “Look, you have to much to live for,” he said. “I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving clo...

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the cla...

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.  When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 1.      The woman goes to the shops. 2.      The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert. 3.      The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand. ...

Out of order? your out of order... the whole frieken systems outa order, coz when you reach over and put your hand in a pile of goo that was your best friends face!!! sorry Marge this is china town! 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a cond...

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website and the answers came from an Aussie: ------ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. ------ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. ------ Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad trac...