A day to day acount of the whacky and wonderful world of Muggaz - i tend to be having too much fun these days, and often cannot remember moments due to debauchery - its time the internet repayed my loyalty by recording my antics.
a painful, painful life.
Published on June 21, 2004 By Muggaz In Life Journals
I never wanted to hate you, abhorrence is not me
But the way I let you touch my heart and soul, it’s corrupted my memory
I wanted to remember the good times, all of the fun that we shared
Showing your true colours today, tells me you never really cared.

Immortality in the mind is a gift bestowed upon some
The way you carry on, will guarantee you are not one
It’s time to burn the photos, and time to move along
I thought you would always be a cherished friend, how I hate being wrong.

Everyone dies eventually, although the memories do live on
When I remember you, I feel my spirit is gone
To think how much I've missed you like crazy
Your lack of empathy show’s my hearts judgement to be hazy

You know I would have done anything asked of me
My unconditional love was the weakness; mutual love was never going to be.
The eternal barrier of hatred and disgust, you just pushed me right through
You haven’t done anything wrong, you are just being you.

As each day goes by, I prove my stupidity through hope
Maybe, just maybe, you will try to understand - I guess I am the dope
I don’t want you to change; I do wish you could care
The hope, yet lack of response, is all to difficult to bare

The real sad thing is that I will always be here, ready to help whenever you desire
However, the way I feel right now, I wouldn’t hesitate to set you on fire
I respect your feelings, and how you want it to be…
Alas, If these feelings are true, you are dead to me.

BAM!!!

Comments (Page 1)
on Jun 21, 2004
Hey Muggaz,

I've been the person you are writing about at one point in my life (quite a while ago now, so please don't think badly of me - actually do. I was a heinous bitch) and you know what? Anyone who treats someone in the way it seems that you've been treated, and the way I know I treated someone 'special' to me, deserves all the vitriol and hatred you can pour on to them.

However, what you deserve is to be happy, and being angry at someone (while you may not feel as though you have much control over it right now) ends up hurting you more than them. Do what my ex finally did to me - cut them out of your life completely while you still have some love and self respect left. These people aren't worth your time (and they'll keep hurting you too).

Just a little inside information, in case it helps

Suz xx
on Jun 21, 2004
Muggaz, I demand you immediately stop reading my poetry... I guess I'm not the only one with unreconciled anger issues around here

Btw, that was superb, I really liked it...maybe because I can relate. You've kind of given me inspiration for another "angry" piece, I'll start working on it today.
on Jun 21, 2004
Hehehehe... thanks for reading Suz!!!

I know where I have to go at this point in time... note the last line... she is dead to me... I decided today... I have wasted sooo much energy actually caring about her (i dont want her back... i just thought she would be my friend) that is was really starting to effect me detrimentally... I want to reach out, but if she doesn't want to accept... time to move along...

I know it's hard to be on your end as well... Some of us guys are just painfully hard to let go of, so the only way to do it is to isolate us completely... Me even more so than others hehe...

If only she could be as wise as you, and realise how farked up she is making things... oh well... thanks for your input

Writing that was therapeutic

BAM!!!
on Jun 21, 2004
Muggaz, I demand you immediately stop reading my poetry... I guess I'm not the only one with unreconciled anger issues around here

Btw, that was superb, I really liked it...maybe because I can relate. You've kind of given me inspiration for another "angry" piece, I'll start working on it today.


- i thought you would like it Macky

You know what? I got an email from my friend this morning, and she said that she saw her on Saturday night... things were said, my feelings of hatred stirred.... I whipped this baby up in no longer than 4 minutes

Sometimes creativity flows much easily through the waters of despair!!! I feel like a big sooky girl though

BAM!!!
on Jun 21, 2004
You know what? I got an email from my friend this morning, and she said that she saw her on Saturday night... things were said, my feelings of hatred stirred.... I whipped this baby up in no longer than 4 minutes


I could whip something up in 4 minutes too, the thing is, my initial drafts are usually too angry for publication. "Revenge" got edited 8 times before finally being posted, "Bullshit" took almost a week to iron out the initial hatred and even so I decided to make it adult-only I even scared myself a few times after writing stuff I never thought I'm even capable of thinking of, let alone feeling.

Yes, it's much easier to write out of despair than it is out of happiness, but I've got one important reason to be happy right now and that's succesfully putting a dampener on other things that irritate me
on Jun 21, 2004
Dang, man, you dated her too??? I had no idea she moved to Australia. Maybe a sister? I guess they are everywhere. Maybe we should start a website: BewareThisWoman.com -- It's our duty to men everywhere.
on Jun 21, 2004
hey muggy, this is beautiful. i knew it was in there somewhere. does it sound too awful and mumsy if i say i'm really proud of you ?. too bad, hehe, I AM !!!!.

she is dead to me... I decided today


ohhhh !!!!. i'm proud of you all over again, muggy !!!!

AND, BY THE WAY ... HEHE BIG SHOUTING LETTERS ...

THIS:

I could whip something up in 4 minutes too, the thing is, my initial drafts are usually too angry for publication. "Revenge" got edited 8 times before finally being posted, "Bullshit" took almost a week to iron out the initial hatred and even so I decided to make it adult-only I even scared myself a few times after writing stuff I never thought I'm even capable of thinking of, let alone feeling.


AND THIS:

You know what? I got an email from my friend this morning, and she said that she saw her on Saturday night... things were said, my feelings of hatred stirred.... I whipped this baby up in no longer than 4 minutes


may i request most politely (as ladies do hehe) that the pair of you stop being such nancies and write some raw stuff ?. how come i have to be the only psycho-/pervert in the "art" forum ? hmm ?.

macky, i am waiting for this poem. it had better be angry. i want to read it and do this one: hehe

mig XXX
on Jun 21, 2004
That was amazing, wow! I'm so impressed! That made me feel quite emotional! It was just so honest and raw, truely fantastic work! Even though you feel this anger towards this person, you are so understanding about who and what they are, you haven't let their behaviour change the person you are, you haven't let that pain consume you, instead you've let it make you a better person, and for that you have my respect .
on Jun 21, 2004
I had an experience this weekend exactly like this poem. My "someone" asked me to take a “separation” while he gets his sh*t together and then decides if he wants to be with me or not. All the while I’m supposed to wait for him like a sad puppy? I finally had to say, “No more. I want out.” I truly miss him and it hurts so much, but I know that there was no other option. If I had said yes, I would have lost myself. It’s time to move on and learn from my mistakes.
on Jun 21, 2004
Dang, man, you dated her too??? I had no idea she moved to Australia. Maybe a sister? I guess they are everywhere. Maybe we should start a website: BewareThisWoman.com -- It's our duty to men everywhere.


Hahaha Gene... For everyone of these heartless wenches, their seems to be nice guys like us... its all about balance in the force...

Miggy... the nancynesss is hereon revoked... feel my raw emotional power!!!! GRRRRRR!!!!!

Sally... you are too kind... amazing isn't the word you are looking for... just a bunch of words put together to collectively express my emotions... I guess I am glad you picked up on my vibe... is that skill in your perception? i think that is the amazing characteristic here

and Kayles... I remember reading about said issue... there is no pleasure without pain, and we must learn to cry and hurt before we can smile and laugh... it means so much more that way

Character building is fun

Thanks for your comments guys... you are all GREAT!!!!

BAM!!!
on Jun 21, 2004
I kept pretending that breaking up with my exboyfriend didn't bother me at all. But I've recently come to realize that it was simply a way of protecting my feelings because I knew that it really didn't bother him at all.

As each day goes by, I prove my stupidity through hope


That sums me up quite nicely!

I don't wish real physical death to him, simply death to the memory of him so that I can move on in peace.

Nice work, Muggaz!

on Jun 21, 2004
I don't wish real physical death to him, simply death to the memory of him so that I can move on in peace


Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind? it's got Jim Carey and Kate Winslet in it...

basically its about a Doctor who offers a service of destroying memories... I know where you are coming from, and sometimes I wish I couldn't remember Kate... but then again, I wouldn't remember the mistakes I made, hence making me better material for my next relationship!!!

It's a conundrum, everybody is hurt by an ex... but being hurt makes us who we are... and for my money Shades, you are a good person

People who get everything their way all the time, and generally experiance nothing but smooth sailing all their lives tend to be jerks, a$$hats and wankers...

BAM!!!
on Jun 21, 2004
and for my money Shades, you are a good person


aw, now I feel bad for almost cussing you out after you made that really bad Ireland joke

I agree that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger (or as someone recently told me, funnier)...but sometimes I think I'd like to be weak and humorless!

Then again, I wouldn't change who I am for all the money in the world...the sum of all my experiences, great and small, molded into human form...so far, so good--but there's still a long way to go on this journey!
on Jun 22, 2004
Character building is fun


Yes, and you seem to have a great deal of fun building yours!
on Jun 22, 2004
Miggy... the nancynesss is hereon revoked... feel my raw emotional power!!!! GRRRRRR!!!!!


alllllright ! that's my boy !

*pats head*

go get 'em, tiger !!!!


mig XX