What is it about blogging that lets a bunch of faceless strangers know the innermost workings of my heart and mind? I am trying to remain strong, trying to ignore these feelings I have, so I can't really talk to anyone about them, yet I know for a fact that writing them now will be the most therapeutic thing I have done for days...
I have always said that the worst vice is advice, so those of you who feel so inclined, whilst your take on the situation is welcomed, it's not necessarily what I am after - I do digress though, some of you have seen it all, but every situation must be judged on it's individual merits...
To steal a line from Spiderman - this story starts the same way all good stories do.. it's all about a girl. Fuck. I try to maintain a sense of stoic detachment, I am not so comfortable with feeling so close to someone... I am not so comfortable with not getting what I want. I do have a degree of emotional intelligence though, and I know this is the real deal.. I know what I feel here is genuine, and is not to be ignored.
This is the problem... the object of my affections doesn't trust me because of what she has seen, and she has seen a lot... she has seen me hook into as many as 4 girls in a night (sure, one was her...) but that was before these feelings existed... it was before I realised that I am not afraid of commitment when it comes to her... We have spent whole nights talking about nothing, just enjoying each others company, but she is afraid I will hurt her...
I can't think of anything worse - I would never ever dream of hurting her - and you want to know where this story gets really juicy? She is my housemate. Fuck. tonight, I think I am just going to lay the moves on again... The problem lies in the fact that I know she is attracted to me, and I am very much so to her, but she thinks it's a passing phase.. Fuck, who am I kidding... I really have no idea what she thinks, and thats what is killing me... I want to go out every night away from home, and go and pick up other chicks to get my mind of her... but she will always be there...
You know you really like someone when your first and last waking thoughts are of them... I don't know what to do! This girl is amazing... she makes me smile, she makes me hard, she challenges me intellectually, and she has red hair. Basically the total package... I don't think it is a passing phase, I am afraid of what I may have to do if she doesn't respond to my advances though.. I am in no mood to be tested, and I will hate to lose her forever, but she will be pushed away... she jokes that I am far too nice and I don't have it in me to be ice cold... underestimating that will be her downfall.
I hate to be cocky, but she is sabotaging something perfect, and it could be something she regrets for the rest of her life, while in the meantime, I have my own regrets now. Fuck. It's not often that you are attracted to someone because of thier mind, and you find them so amazingly beautiful, and you feel an amazing sense of happiness when you are in their presence... I can't let this one slip away... but she has filled me with self loathing and doubt, There is the me when I am with her, and the me without her... I dont like the me without her... and I don't know what to do.