A day to day acount of the whacky and wonderful world of Muggaz - i tend to be having too much fun these days, and often cannot remember moments due to debauchery - its time the internet repayed my loyalty by recording my antics.
Emotions sure do suck sometimes
Published on June 15, 2004 By Muggaz In Life Journals
I am having one of those ‘lost’ days today…

I don’t know whether it is because of lack of sleep last night, or my relative roller coaster of emotions over the past few days, but I am really in one of those moods where I don’t like what I am feeling.

If I knew what being pre-menstrual was like, I would say this is as close as males come… It’s hard as well, because society has this pre-determined disposition that males need to be hard-asses all the time… I just can’t do that.

I was feeling disenchanted this weekend because I can’t find what I am looking for, yet I don’t even know what I am looking for… I have my perfectionist self to blame, but I just felt really lonely, I just feel as though no-one understands me, and the chances of an intimate relationship with a female seem slimmer and slimmer as each new dumb/stupid/shallow/insecure female comes in and out of my life… My friends ask me why I don’t just put the silly girls away… I can’t sleep with a girl that I don’t feel a connection to... I don’t know why that is, I am a guy – I mean, I should be able to comfortably nail anything with a heartbeat and a hole, but if a chick doesn’t connect with me on that other level, it just doesn’t interest me in the slightest, i thik my genetic make up is a little skew-wif

Going from feeling so disenchanted with women that I want to become a monk, to having the time of my life with a female friend of mine last night, and laughing so hard with other friends that my stomach hurt… it’s quite emotionally draining indeed – obviously it’s a feeling of confusion for me… not to mention I am going become an uncle for the first time in my life in a matter of weeks - I can’t tell you how excited I am about that… I want to be the rock that my family and friend’s need… I can’t fall apart right now, although, to tell you the truth, I don’t feel very far away from capitulating.

This is why it doesn’t make sense… my friends and family are the best, I love them all, and I know they would do anything to help me, but they cant help me now… I am obviously after something that none of them can provide, and the endless search seems so much harder when you have the skill of reading people. Call it judging a book by its cover, call it what you will, but I trust my judgement of character, and unfortunately, I can pretty much tell whether someone is a good person or not within 5 minutes of meeting them… It’s a shame that their seems to be substantially more people not worth my time out there as compared to people who deserve the Muggaz magic

That could be construed has the height of arrogance… what is wrong with protecting yourself from disappointment though? It’s hard to be me… so upbeat about everything all the time, yet ever so jaded by society and values… Do you know how scary it is to be only 22 and already feel this way? Youth is about being upbeat, and full of hope, but I am genuinely scared.

Sometimes I wish to be shallow, and ignorant, it would make life so much easier… people could happily assume and take me at face value, and small talk would be the topic of the day – that’s never going to happen though.

Thinking is a dangerous occupation, and the more I think about the world, the more depressed I seem to become. The more I understand myself, the more alienated I feel from society, I know I am not alone here though, and that provides a semblance of comfort, but being in the minority is tough indeed. You can’t class it either… there is not an ‘enlightened’ group and a ‘shallow’ group… I don’t claim to be all righteous and enlightened, and I don’t profess to be void of any materialistic and shallow desires, I just feel extremely different.

I haven’t let my emotions hit the keyboard like this for quite some time, and as always, it is really therapeutic. To find the answers, you have to find the questions first… I know that I am not as inadequate as I feel right now… I guess that is something I am asking for… I am seeking that intimacy with another human being to reassure me that I am not inadequate… It doesn’t sound the same when it comes from your friends and family, because they are going to support you either way… I will always have them, but there is a void in my heart at the moment that is just crying out...

Why am I always searching for validation? Why do I feel like an invalid? We are going around in circles again… Man, Life sure is one tough adventure… but an adventure none the less… as I am about to post this, 'Everybody Hurts' by R.E.M just came on my ipod... how appropriate

BAM!!!

Comments (Page 1)
on Jun 15, 2004
Man, you're not alone... that's probably not much consolation because you already know that and sometimes knowing you're not alone when you feel alone doesn't help anything. This is basically what PMS feels like often times. lol.

Do you ever look in the mirror or look down at your arms and legs and feel like you're not even real? You stare at yourself in the mirror and don't move and you start to feel so insecure and alone. Gosh, I hate that feeling. I feel like I'm the only one who feels that way... but anyway...

Don't think I'm preaching to you, but you said you feel a void in your heart. Do you ever feel a "higher power" and feel the need to reach it, Him, and know Him?

You'll find a chick as well, one that's not just shallow and stupid, as you put it. Don't settle for less. You're a sweetie (guys don't like that, but it's a good thing when a chick says it) and have it goin' on... you'll find a great lass someday.

~Sarah
on Jun 15, 2004
That means a lot to me Sarah... I am really glad you took the time to offer some reassurance...

Don't think I'm preaching to you, but you said you feel a void in your heart. Do you ever feel a "higher power" and feel the need to reach it, Him, and know Him?


I know him Sarah, but your Him and my him are completely different... I have had my epiphany though, and spiritually I am the happiest I have been in my whole life... but that is also one of the reasons I feel alone...

ah... the paradox's!!!

Thanks again babe

BAM!!!
on Jun 16, 2004
Mark, Mark, Mark...

Sometimes, when I read your writing, I think we're soul mates. Don't take that the wrong way, it's just that the way you put your emotions into words is exactly what I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

""""I was feeling disenchanted this weekend because I can’t find what I am looking for, yet I don’t even know what I am looking for…""""

Amen to that.

""""I just feel as though no-one understands me, and the chances of an intimate relationship with a female seem slimmer and slimmer as each new dumb/stupid/shallow/insecure female comes in and out of my life…""""

Amen to that too, only with both sexes. (I'm not bisexual, I just referring to all relationships)

""""This is why it doesn’t make sense… my friends and family are the best, I love them all, and I know they would do anything to help me, but they cant help me now… I am obviously after something that none of them can provide, and the endless search seems so much harder when you have the skill of reading people.""""

Amen to that. Geez, Mark, I miss talk'n to you.

""""It’s a shame that their seems to be substantially more people not worth my time out there as compared to people who deserve the Muggaz magic """"

Thanx for letting me have some of that magic.

""""what is wrong with protecting yourself from disappointment though?""""

What's wrong with it? You're also protecting yourself from the good things. It all comes in one big package. But I'm not one to talk, I'm only just now learning that.

""""Sometimes I wish to be shallow, and ignorant, it would make life so much easier… people could happily assume and take me at face value, and small talk would be the topic of the day – that’s never going to happen though.""""

Good, I never want that to happen; you're too wonderful.

""""The more I understand myself, the more alienated I feel from society""""

It's statements like that that make me overjoyed that you decided to join Joe and experiment with your talent of writing.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer."

That's one of my alltime fav quotes, but I think you already understand it.

I love you bro, and I'll say a little prayer for you tonight.

Trinitie



on Jun 16, 2004
What a good post. You have much in common with my 22 year old daughter. I've often accused men of becoming pre-menstrual!
The thing about the times of searching is that you'd never find what you were looking for if you didn't go through the searching.
Emotions can suck, though. But I have a strong feeling that when you have what you were searching for, you will treasure it.
Now, I seem to remember something about a friend of yours?
on Jun 16, 2004
That was a great blog, open and honest. It's amazing how just writing these things can make us feel better! male or female I think we all go through these times where we are totally disillusioned with the world, and you know what? That isn't such a bad thing. You're an intelligent guy, you know everything isn't going to be great all of the time, there will be good and bad times, and them times have moulded you into the person you are today, and from what I've seen that person isn't too bad!

the chances of an intimate relationship with a female seem slimmer and slimmer as each new dumb/stupid/shallow/insecure female comes in and out of my life…


You'll find that special someone, it just takes time, and I'm glad you're not willing to settle, it means she'll be extra special when you do eventually find her, and if you only come across dumb, stupid, shallow, insecure women, maybe you're looking in the wrong places!

not to mention I am going become an uncle for the first time in my life in a matter of weeks - I can’t tell you how excited I am about that… I want to be the rock that my family and friend’s need…


Ooooh Uncle Mugs, hehe, you'll be great, and it is the best feeling ever! i am sure you are their rock, but in times of need, don't forget they are your rock to, it works both ways!

I hope you're feeling slightly better, give us a smile !

on Jun 16, 2004
it's very refreshing to hear that you aren't interested in sleeping with a girl unless there is some sort of a connection. good for you man....good for you... And even though i am female, i definitely understand where you are coming from on this point.

my friends always tell me that i need to start dating more often, but i would honestly rather be alone than spend time with someone who i dont have a connection with...it sounds like you may be feeling the same way.

i have recently turned 23 and i can honestly say that it has only been in the last two years that i have felt like i have really come into my own...found myself....accepted myself....rid myself of silly insecurities...call it what you want. so what i am really trying to say is...be patient with others. maybe the perfect girl is out there, but maybe she is still working on a few things in her life before she can make that connection with you.

when i was in your position not too long ago...i basically just gave up and decided to focus my energies on improving my life and helping out the others around me. it seemed to help and before i knew it...a really great guy took me by surprise. but....the biggest thing i have learned is that both sides have ups and downs.

i hope you find what you are looking for.

i wish you love.
on Jun 16, 2004
Will you just look at this...

You girls are all so fantastic... Really told me what I needed to hear... and Miggy put a great post up that was really enlightening...

Sally... this one is for you x 10!!!

Everyone has their downers, and patience is a virtue... I cant express the feelings I have at the moment from this show of support from you guys

BAM!!!
on Jun 16, 2004
You girls are all so fantastic...


Yes we know this! see we're not all bad, hehe! Glad to see you smiling !
on Jun 17, 2004
Don't worry dude everyone goes through this at some point.
You seem to be going through the same things I did but about 3-4 years sooner than myself.
Here are some self evident tips that are really no brainers.
-It is not entirely bad to not screw that which you do not have a connection to. In this we are alike.

-Mix it up if you can, I find some sport or activity both gets you out and focuses your attention elsewhere - and if both sexes participate you can possibly meet new girls at the same time. Two birds with one stone?

-To be happy you need to know how to feel sad. If you are melecholy as I am interpreting, don't stifle it. I did and the result - an edgy irritable persona even when I was trying to be nice. All things have a season [confusious] so just flow with your feelings.

-be glad you have reasonable health - if that goes like it did mine things get alot more difficult.

-if you articulate even half as well as you do here in real life - I can't see you having any problems striking up new conversations with people. Don't forget to listen and be attentive. Stand in the mirror and listen to yourself. Do you sound sincere? Some guy's conversational skills can be more lacking from little use. Yours are exceptional for your age. Mine took alot longer to develop.

-tone. I have/had a very sharp tone. It is not what you say as to how you say it. As in being raised in a strict military like setting of 'yessir'. If you sound harsh or desparate things go bad. [It took me till 25 to realize I sounded like an army brat - I was not to self aware back then lol]

Take comfort that not all people are perfect and new people present new challenges. You know and understand yourself. Your twenties are about self discovery and feeling good in your own skin. On those lonely nights just listen to all the guys who meet messed up confused girls and take comfort at how simple your life is. If the monkey squeeks just tell him to shaddap. There is porn but that gets old kinda fast.

People forget that living alone means living alone with their emotions. You can control how you think but not how you feel. That just takes practice and learning what method of coping works best for you. For myself, when I am horny as a hound dog I go for a 5k bike ride - hard 5 minutes flat. Then I come home panting and too damn tired to be horny. If you read now is the time to pick up and book and start learning about subjects you thought you had no interest in before. One can surprise themselve here!

On Fridays/weekends go out. Just be out and about. Isolating yourself will decrease your chances of meeting people. Going out too much and you will tire of going out. Then you might just sound disinterested and apathetic. You also might sound like a player and women pick up on this quickly for some reason... Make sense?

So while I do not have the one shot silver bullet cure for you I can offer you the only thing I have - experience. Been there, done that, and realize there are many people out there going through the very same thing.
on Jun 17, 2004
... and Miggy put a great post up that was really enlightening...


mark, i was thinking of you when i posted that, i'm so glad you read it.

i think this has been your most difficult article so far, because it is the most "personal". you're a great guy, muggy, with a monstrously gigantic heart, and life isn't always easy for guys like you. hang in there, my friend

mig XX
on Jun 17, 2004
People forget that living alone means living alone with their emotions. You can control how you think but not how you feel. That just takes practice and learning what method of coping works best for you. For myself, when I am horny as a hound dog I go for a 5k bike ride - hard 5 minutes flat. Then I come home panting and too damn tired to be horny. If you read now is the time to pick up and book and start learning about subjects you thought you had no interest in before. One can surprise themselve here!


Jake - that pretty much articulated how I was feeling... this isn't the first time you have graced MA... thanks for your always insiteful comments...

"You can always depend on the kindness of strangers!!!"

Thanks heaps mate...

Miggy... you are a n00b

BAM!!!
on Jun 17, 2004
Miggy... you are a n00b


thanks a lot, blowdry boy. you're all nice to jake for HIS comments. and what do i get ? .... "miggy, you are a n00b". i was being nice, you naughty boy !

you remember what i told you would happen if you called me that again ?. tell linus to fetch the photo of you and that sheep. i have a blog to write ... .

mig XX
on Jun 17, 2004
when I poke my tongue out, it's a term of endearment

n00b

BAM!!!
on Jun 18, 2004
I know him Sarah, but your Him and my him are completely different... I have had my epiphany though, and spiritually I am the happiest I have been in my whole life... but that is also one of the reasons I feel alone...


I'm not sure I understand... could you explain a little more in depth what you mean? That is, if you don't mind.

~Sarah
on Jun 19, 2004
'm not sure I understand... could you explain a little more in depth what you mean? That is, if you don't mind.


Well... there isn't really a him for me...

thats not to say I am not spiritual, I dont want to offend anyone here... but for me, there is no 'God' there is heaven, but not in the true sense of the word... it's called Taoism... it's really great... it's about balance...

BAM!!!