Pre-Menstrual Male

Emotions sure do suck sometimes

Published on June 15, 2004 By Muggaz In Life Journals

I am having one of those ‘lost’ days today…

I don’t know whether it is because of lack of sleep last night, or my relative roller coaster of emotions over the past few days, but I am really in one of those moods where I don’t like what I am feeling.

If I knew what being pre-menstrual was like, I would say this is as close as males come… It’s hard as well, because society has this pre-determined disposition that males need to be hard-asses all the time… I just can’t do that.

I was feeling disenchanted this weekend because I can’t find what I am looking for, yet I don’t even know what I am looking for… I have my perfectionist self to blame, but I just felt really lonely, I just feel as though no-one understands me, and the chances of an intimate relationship with a female seem slimmer and slimmer as each new dumb/stupid/shallow/insecure female comes in and out of my life… My friends ask me why I don’t just put the silly girls away… I can’t sleep with a girl that I don’t feel a connection to... I don’t know why that is, I am a guy – I mean, I should be able to comfortably nail anything with a heartbeat and a hole, but if a chick doesn’t connect with me on that other level, it just doesn’t interest me in the slightest, i thik my genetic make up is a little skew-wif

Going from feeling so disenchanted with women that I want to become a monk, to having the time of my life with a female friend of mine last night, and laughing so hard with other friends that my stomach hurt… it’s quite emotionally draining indeed – obviously it’s a feeling of confusion for me… not to mention I am going become an uncle for the first time in my life in a matter of weeks - I can’t tell you how excited I am about that… I want to be the rock that my family and friend’s need… I can’t fall apart right now, although, to tell you the truth, I don’t feel very far away from capitulating.

This is why it doesn’t make sense… my friends and family are the best, I love them all, and I know they would do anything to help me, but they cant help me now… I am obviously after something that none of them can provide, and the endless search seems so much harder when you have the skill of reading people. Call it judging a book by its cover, call it what you will, but I trust my judgement of character, and unfortunately, I can pretty much tell whether someone is a good person or not within 5 minutes of meeting them… It’s a shame that their seems to be substantially more people not worth my time out there as compared to people who deserve the Muggaz magic

That could be construed has the height of arrogance… what is wrong with protecting yourself from disappointment though? It’s hard to be me… so upbeat about everything all the time, yet ever so jaded by society and values… Do you know how scary it is to be only 22 and already feel this way? Youth is about being upbeat, and full of hope, but I am genuinely scared.

Sometimes I wish to be shallow, and ignorant, it would make life so much easier… people could happily assume and take me at face value, and small talk would be the topic of the day – that’s never going to happen though.

Thinking is a dangerous occupation, and the more I think about the world, the more depressed I seem to become. The more I understand myself, the more alienated I feel from society, I know I am not alone here though, and that provides a semblance of comfort, but being in the minority is tough indeed. You can’t class it either… there is not an ‘enlightened’ group and a ‘shallow’ group… I don’t claim to be all righteous and enlightened, and I don’t profess to be void of any materialistic and shallow desires, I just feel extremely different.

I haven’t let my emotions hit the keyboard like this for quite some time, and as always, it is really therapeutic. To find the answers, you have to find the questions first… I know that I am not as inadequate as I feel right now… I guess that is something I am asking for… I am seeking that intimacy with another human being to reassure me that I am not inadequate… It doesn’t sound the same when it comes from your friends and family, because they are going to support you either way… I will always have them, but there is a void in my heart at the moment that is just crying out...

Why am I always searching for validation? Why do I feel like an invalid? We are going around in circles again… Man, Life sure is one tough adventure… but an adventure none the less… as I am about to post this, 'Everybody Hurts' by R.E.M just came on my ipod... how appropriate

BAM!!!

Comments (Page 2)

Floozie

on Jun 19, 2004

so upbeat about everything all the time, yet ever so jaded by society and values

Oh yeah, I hear you! You seem to be a generally perky cat, which makes things hard when you're down. When people around you notice that you're not a cheery as normal it seems to bring them down a bit too - it's almost as though your bad moods are contagious. So I understand where you are coming from when you say that you want to be a rock for your family and friends and you can't fall apart right now.
I used to avoid people when I was in these moods - actually, to a large degree i still do, because I noticed the effect I would have on people when I wasn't my normal happy self. From some people's reactions you'd swear that they thought that I was dying! But it turns out that sometimes your mates are the people who can give you that little injection that you need to continue to work through what's going on in your head. My tactic now is to see people for a drink - just one, or maybe two

- and just have an hour or so of normal conversation. It kind of makes the feelings of being alone not quite as sharp. It really sucks that when you feel like this, the one thing you want is a connection with someone, but you don't really want to see anyone at all - those good old paradoxes!

I don't know if I'm making any sense here - probably not - but know that we're all thinking of you. I really hate it when I go through these periods - and hate even more watching someone else go through it - but you have to remember that you need the rain so you can appreciate the sunshine! You deserve good things, and they will come to you. They may just be having problems reading the map right now!

Suz xx

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