DANDENONG IS TO MAKE A BID FOR THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES

In order to increase the likelihood that the successful bidders will win at least some medals, the competition has been somewhat modified.

However, fierce competition is expected from rival areas such as Cranbourne, Frankston, Broadmeadows, Thomastown, Bayswater and Sunshine etc.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the City wearing traditional flannelette shirt, jeans and moccasins with
his de-facto wearing the traditional floral leggings and short top with oversized stomach and fat backside.

THE EVENTS

100 METRE SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a VCR under one arm and a microwave under the other and on the sound of the starting pistol a Police Dog will be released 10 meters behind the athletes.


100 METRE HURDLES
As above with the added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, garden fences and walls.

HAMMER THROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the timeframe allowed.

SHOOTING EVENTS
A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target will be a moving police vehicle, the second targets will consist of running bank Tellers, Video store Attendant and 24-hour service Station Attendants.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on Friday Night. The husband will be given 15 pots of VB at the local pub followed by a quick peek in a lap-dancing venue. The wife will be told not to make him any dinner when he gets home. She will be wearing bike pants, boob tube and thongs.

CYCLING
The competitor will attend the nominated City skateboard area where they will obtain a bicycle stolen from a Scotch College or Mentone Boys Grammar student. They then will be racing against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded should a helmet be obtained at time of theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include Robbery with Violence, Burglary, Unlawful Use of a Motor Vehicle, Arson and Wilful Exposure.

MENS 50km WALK
Unfortunately this event will have to be cancelled, as organisers cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Dandenong.

GYMNASTICS
The traditional 4-inch beam will be replaced by the strip of gutter outside the Dandenong Hotel. This event will commence at closing time - we expect some extremely difficult dismounts to be performed on the apparatus. The floor routines will be held directly after this event at the Dandenong Police Watch-house.

CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include the local Torres Straight Islander group accompanied by other local artists well known within the area. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by the same local identities urinating from the local spire in a cascading effect. The stadium will then be boarded up before local athletes and entertainers break into it and remove all copper piping, light fittings and air conditioners