I read in a book a line by one of the main characters – “It is better to care and hurt than have an empty feeling inside.” Caring is not beyond me. I care about people, I care about stuff, but if I can quote a topical figure at the moment, it leads to pain, pain leads to suffering, suffering leads to anger, and anger leads to the dark side.
Perhaps the dark side is clouding my judgement at the moment, and I am consumed with self-preservation, fuelled by a circumstantial self loathing, and a perennial fear of letting anyone get close. I am working on my game face. I am probably wrong, but I have worked out that emotions really suck, and they are best kept to ones self. Can this be done whilst maintaining a happy-go-lucky demeanour? I will tell you when I work it out.
Showing people how you feel and reacting to different situations in varying manors, give away any power you may have in any encounter. If I learn one thing in life, the ability to read people is high on my agenda – it is because I know how important this is, that I want to develop the skill of stoic expression. It’s like coming full circle; I can still wear my heart, just not on my sleeve – it will remain where it belongs, firmly engrossed in my chest where it can enjoy the protection of my rib cage.
In an ideal world, everyone could be honest with each other, and make our feelings known, and it’s a shame that ideology doesn’t bode so well with me anymore. Is it ok to conform to the masses by sheltering my sensitive side? All I want to do is have fun, and emotions just seem to get in the way. I have given up expecting anything of anyone, although, I feel as though I have a lot to give.
If I am going to keep my game face, there are 5 simple rules to this game – and I will need to abide by them to the tee. I think I ripped them of some important theocrat though.
1. Free your heart from hatred.
This rule is probably the easiest of the lot; hatred is a waste of everyone’s time. Life is simply too short to hold on to petty grudges and squabbles. You stay out of my way, and I will stay out of yours. IF you choose not to stay out of my way, I don't blame you - i won't hate you for it though.
2. Free your mind from worries.
Probably the hardest rule of the lot. I worry, far too much. My mind races to the future with what ifs, when it should be embracing this particular moment I am enjoying right now. Everything happens for a reason, and it always works out in the end, so don’t worry about it!
3. Live simply.
I can’t really sit here and preach the virtues of a simple life when I can easily acknowledge how cool fast cars, nice clothes, and little gadgets are, although I do have the wisdom and foresight to live within my means. Banks = Evil. Happiness is wanting what one has, not having what one wants.
4. Give more.
If I don’t need it, you can have it. Lean on me, when your not strong, I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on… and so on…
5. Expect less.
You may need me from time to time, but I don’t need you, nor do I expect anything from you. The only great expectations I know of is a Dickens novel, and a B grade Hollywood movie starring that Paltrow woman.
Hopefully, if everything goes to plan (whoever’s plan it is) the game face if I follow these rules will be a cheesy grin, and sometimes a piercing gaze. I am slowly working out that life is indeed a game, and it isn’t always those with the best hand that win – If I have to bluff through a little, that is fine by me.