Sydney, Friday:

A Man describing himself as a passionate masturbator has admitted that he spiked his own drink with the drug Rohypnol in order to have his way with himself.

The man told police he deliberately set out to prey on his own company, by slipping the potent sedative pill into his vodka and tonic while he wasn’t looking. He said his plan from the outset was to take advantage of himself whuile his defeces were down.

“I was really on the hunt for some self-abuse,” thae man said. “And when I saw this hottie bit of a hand leaning on the bar I slipped myself a mickey, and the next thing I know, I was taking myself back to my place.”

Police have described the man as one of several predatory masturbators curretly operating in watering holes around the inner city of Sydney. “In fact, it’s fair to say that most Sydney bars are full of wankers,” a police spokesman said.

BAM!!!