What an emotional rollercoaster this life is.
I felt really, really lonely yesterday. Loneliness is the worst feeling in the whole world. Loneliness and fear… fear of being lonely is a terrible combination.
For 14 months I kind of went through a really tough time… I felt lonely ALL the time. I associated this loneliness with the break up of me and Kate, we were together for 2 years… it makes sense I suppose… but lately I have kind of attributed the loneliness to her family as well. My friend Hazza really hit home with a few facts…
You see, I had this whack dream the other night. In the dream I went and visited my ex’s parents to catch up with them… and I realised I really missed them… because when I was with Kate, they provided a stable family environment, and Kate’s dad was somewhat of a father figure to me… all gone as soon as our relationship ended. To coincide with this, I am still only recently moved out of my home, and while it wasn’t the greatest environment there, I suppose it was still good enough not to make me crave that atmosphere – which is what I have been doing lately. Hazza pointed all this out to me you see… sometimes the logic of a female will help you see everything so much more clearly.
Yesterday was just crap, because I was thinking about Kate again… After the 14 months of worrying that I was unattractive to the opposite sex… as soon as I get the sex, I realise this wasn’t the case… and I was actually euphoric, because I thought that was my problem, and I would be over all the hurt.
How wrong I was. At the moment I don’t know what I want, well, that is a lie, I know what I want, but I want so much, there is no way I can enjoy it all. I just crave that connection with a member of the opposite sex. Sometimes girls just come along, and you get along with them famously straight away – this hasn’t happened for me in a long time. When it does happen… 95% of the time, there is some reason that you don’t have a chance – i.e. they have a boyfriend or are lesbians…
It’s not Kate that is causing all these questions… As a person, I really am over her. As far as I am concerned, any one who I am not good enough for is no way near good enough for me, she has turned out to be a terrible person, and I am actually glad it ended when it did instead of having to endure that at a later date… but I guess I am not over the fact that sometimes I feel alone.
I suppose I also didn’t have the same support network then as I have now. My best friends now I had only just kind of met when we broke up… so I couldn’t heap my emotional baggage on them, and I kind of dealt with it myself – that made it about 6x difficult than it should have been… cause I didn’t have the ‘best mates’ taking me out trying to get my mind off it… but it taught me a great deal about myself.
So, yesterday I was feeling really quite terrible… but you know what? I went and saw my friend Nick and chilled at his house for a while, and I really opened up to him, and he reciprocated… he really opened up to me, and we were both in hysterical laughter in 10 minutes… and Hazza… where would I be without Hazza… Haz used to be Kates best friend, but then Kate was corrupted by these really pretentious girls… and it all went down hill from there… So, Hazza… if you are reading this, big ups to ya.
I actually feel great this morning… It’s amazing how a good nights rest and a few laughs shared with a friend will get you bouncing back again. My mood was improved again when I had additional leave approved for mid feb as well. I noticed I still had 3 or so weeks of annual leave stored, so if I am going to use it, it may as well be in the summer. Nick has invited me to his beach house in Queenscliff.
I hate to sound superficial… and it really doesn’t matter to me… but I have never had many friends with this much $$$ behind them. I mean, I had one in primary school who owned a multinational, but I was 7 or 8, and $$$ meant nothing to me then, as it doesn’t now, only the difference is I know all about $$$ now. Its not just Nick either… all those guys went to the hardcore private schools of Melbourne, and their girlfriends… so I am making some pretty cool associations, and you know why these guys make awesome friends? They don’t care at all that I don’t have as mush $$$ as them… they just like me for me. I guess that’s also what separates them from the other private school stooges and their culture of ‘I bought this for this much’ and ‘my daddy is executive of blah blah’
Right now though… in spite of my emotional topsy-turveys, I am really happy. My friends are great, work is going well with minimum effort, and I am getting really excited about my European adventure… The family also aint so bad. Both of my sisters are pregnant… so I can’t leave until they pop out. Mum is worrying me a bit though. I really thought she would hold on to me and my brother a bit more… I mean, invite us over for dinner or whatever… I don’t feel un-loved, I just know it’s her way, and she has never been an overly affectionate mother… I will replace her love with more love for myself!!! Hehe… s’if I need to
Peace Out.