I received the phone call on Wednesday evening, My Nana had had a heart attack, and had gone into Ballarat Base Hospital, Mum sounded really stressed, because Nana also developed and Abscus(sp?) on her throat as well - she was going in for treatment, and possible surgery on the throat, and the situations looks quite dire.
My Nana has had a good innings. She turned 80 this year. She has been on her own since my Grandpa died in 1995 - she has always been a battler, and while we were never close, she certainly had my respect. She also made my favorite food in the whole world - Orange Cheesecake. My Mum also knows how to make this marvelous desert, and I too will learn someday, but it is my Nana's legacy that we will be enjoying when we eat it.
I spoke to my brother Tim on the Thursday, he was a little bit shaken, more that I would have guessed, as his relationship with nana was even less than mine. He hasn't been to visit her in a while, and I imagine Mum inadvertanly made him feel rather guilty for not seeing her for some time. He was supposed to get a lift with my Cousin, but they didn't pick him up, and Tim was angry. I wasn't planning on going to see her this weekend, but the situation is pretty scary - so I told Tim I would drive.
Ballarat is about a 2 hour drive from Tim's place, we left at about 2... the drive was cool, we listened to music and chatted about stuff, we were both in quite sombre moods, but we always make each other laugh, and that helps. We got to the hospital, and we saw my Nana, half the proud woman she once was, connected to machines assiting her to survive. She was going to go into theatre today, but the Doctor was happy with her progress - what that means exactly, is anyones guess.
Nana cant speak, she also suffered breast cancer a few years ago, so the trauma has really gotten to her - the neurologist say's her memorys and hearing are fine - so she uses a little notepad to communicate. It was a bit hard for Tim and I to understand what she was writing, because it was in old cursive, and of course, for someone who had a heart attack only days ago, my nana was being stubborn as the once proud and independant woman she was - she wouldn't even let Tim or I take the lid of her marker, and that made me chuckle with pride.
Seeing my nana sick wasn't so fun. It's wierd when you have come to terms to death via other avenues, I am not afraid to die, but I dont plan on doing anything wreckless to advance that possibilty, yet when a family member dies, there is this insurmentable amount of greif that overcomes you family circle. I can accept death, but to see my mum so upset will be abreaking point for me. I wouldn't go to my nana's funeral to mourn nana, because I wont mourn her death, she wont be in pain, and she will be in a better place, but I will go to the funeral to be there by my mums side as a shoulder to cry on...
I haven't really been cheery at all for the last few days because of this - Death is knocking on the door, and whilst I know Nana will fight until the very last moment, he is not too far away at all. Its also sad because my sister Erin is due in a could of weeks, and it will be Nana's second great grand child. I do hope she does get to see the baby before she leaves us.
I forget what the band is called - some Australian band, and one of the lines in the song is "when life gets you down, go out and live it" so, thats what I did last night, and what I will do tonight. I am happy we got to see Nana today, we spent an hour with her, Tim and I just acting as we always did, talking about Tennis, Cricket and Football, and letting Nana know we are both alright, and that we both love her very much, I felt a little guilty when I told her I would see her soon, because I dont know if that is true - I just know I can be proud of my nana, and when the fatal day comes, I will be there for my family.
It's been a wierd weekend - death is over my shoulder, but I cant help to stare him in the eye, and tell him "I have been dying since I was born, death wont stop me from living" I just hope in my life, I make my family as proud of me as I am of them.
BAM!!!