I hate my Ex Girlfriend. I really do.
Her name was Kate…
We have been broken up for quite sometime now, and I have not had any interaction with her whatsoever for several months, but I still have whack/crazy dreams about her, and she still occupies a place in my heart.
Last night i dreamt we saw each other, and she just came up and started talking to me as if nothing happened, and then she was all touchy feely and wanted to hook up again... this is the second or third such dream like this... In my dreams we never do hook up, i act distant and usually tell her to leave me alone... it still makes me upset though.
I despise the fact that I can hate someone who I used to love so dearly, but to continue with my own personal development, I really have to focus on the hatred I have for her, otherwise she will haunt me forever.
We were together for 2 years… not the most successful relationship – we certainly had our ups and downs, but one thing is for sure, I certainly did love her, and that’s the reason we broke up – I was too comfortable within my love, and I wasn’t a challenge to her anymore, and I have learnt so much about myself and her in the meantime.
She was truly the first girl I ever loved… and her face is engraved in my head, and always will be. As the song goes, the first cut is the deepest… It took me 14 months to even think about and being in the position to be with another girl, and I hate Kate for it. I feel sorry for all the poor girls out there who will never get my respect because I am very jaded by this whole experience. I am actually afraid to give my heart to anyone now… I simply don’t know if it will be able to take another shattering. All my trust is severely depleted.
It’s like she has no respect for me whatsoever. At the end of the day, our relationship was never going to work out, because we have become very different people, but I can 100% categorically state that I loved that girl, and now she doesn’t even have the respect to deal with me.
I understand her position though, it’s just amazingly selfish. I know at one point, she did love me, and it would have been hard to break up with me, because we were both very comfortable, and in a state of routine. When we first broke up, I went about it the wrong way – I made the mistake of admitting how much I needed her… Lads, if I can pass on one piece of advice, if someone you love breaks up with you… go out, find some slut, and hook up with her straight away. If you spend all your time trying to get back with ex… you are wasting your time, because that’s how the female brain works – if you are interested, they are not.
I don’t really think about her so much anymore, but every-time a song comes on, or a friend is in a similar situation, depression sinks in… I just really miss her you know… we weren’t only lovers, but we were best friends as well… so that is two voids within my heart that I have been unable to replace. She really fudged my head over.
The song Another Lonely Day by Ben Harper sums up my feelings about this girl amazingly… so instead of this pointless drivel, I will just post the lyrics for your perusal… I cannot emphasise enough how spot on this guy is with my emotions and thoughts…
Yes indeed, I'm alone again.
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.
It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.
Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.
It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
And now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now, it's just another lonely day.
Yesterday seems like a life ago,
'cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.
It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.
Kate, if you are out there, I just want to thank you for helping me discover myself… If I have one thing to say to you, it’s that I wish you went about things differently, and I really miss you. I enjoyed the time we had immensely, and you brought out the best in me… you really were my first Love, and I will never forget you… I dont really hate you, i am just tricking my heart, thats the profound effect you had on me. I hope you can forgive me for Loving you someday… and find it in your heart to just let me know how you are going.
For now, it’s just another lonely day.