A day to day acount of the whacky and wonderful world of Muggaz - i tend to be having too much fun these days, and often cannot remember moments due to debauchery - its time the internet repayed my loyalty by recording my antics.
Published on October 24, 2007 By Muggaz In Sex & Romance
What is it about blogging that lets a bunch of faceless strangers know the innermost workings of my heart and mind? I am trying to remain strong, trying to ignore these feelings I have, so I can't really talk to anyone about them, yet I know for a fact that writing them now will be the most therapeutic thing I have done for days...

I have always said that the worst vice is advice, so those of you who feel so inclined, whilst your take on the situation is welcomed, it's not necessarily what I am after - I do digress though, some of you have seen it all, but every situation must be judged on it's individual merits...

To steal a line from Spiderman - this story starts the same way all good stories do.. it's all about a girl. Fuck. I try to maintain a sense of stoic detachment, I am not so comfortable with feeling so close to someone... I am not so comfortable with not getting what I want. I do have a degree of emotional intelligence though, and I know this is the real deal.. I know what I feel here is genuine, and is not to be ignored.

This is the problem... the object of my affections doesn't trust me because of what she has seen, and she has seen a lot... she has seen me hook into as many as 4 girls in a night (sure, one was her...) but that was before these feelings existed... it was before I realised that I am not afraid of commitment when it comes to her... We have spent whole nights talking about nothing, just enjoying each others company, but she is afraid I will hurt her...

I can't think of anything worse - I would never ever dream of hurting her - and you want to know where this story gets really juicy? She is my housemate. Fuck. tonight, I think I am just going to lay the moves on again... The problem lies in the fact that I know she is attracted to me, and I am very much so to her, but she thinks it's a passing phase.. Fuck, who am I kidding... I really have no idea what she thinks, and thats what is killing me... I want to go out every night away from home, and go and pick up other chicks to get my mind of her... but she will always be there...

You know you really like someone when your first and last waking thoughts are of them... I don't know what to do! This girl is amazing... she makes me smile, she makes me hard, she challenges me intellectually, and she has red hair. Basically the total package... I don't think it is a passing phase, I am afraid of what I may have to do if she doesn't respond to my advances though.. I am in no mood to be tested, and I will hate to lose her forever, but she will be pushed away... she jokes that I am far too nice and I don't have it in me to be ice cold... underestimating that will be her downfall.

I hate to be cocky, but she is sabotaging something perfect, and it could be something she regrets for the rest of her life, while in the meantime, I have my own regrets now. Fuck. It's not often that you are attracted to someone because of thier mind, and you find them so amazingly beautiful, and you feel an amazing sense of happiness when you are in their presence... I can't let this one slip away... but she has filled me with self loathing and doubt, There is the me when I am with her, and the me without her... I dont like the me without her... and I don't know what to do.

Comments
on Oct 24, 2007
Yes, writing is therapeutic! You've got the bug, pretty well too. I hiope it works out.
on Oct 24, 2007
banish the self-loathing and doubt -- you know you are fabulous. hopefully she will realize that, too. good luck.
on Oct 29, 2007
This girl is amazing... she makes me smile, she makes me hard, she challenges me intellectually, and she has red hair.


See, I would have been sold on the red hair, but the rest of the package sounds pretty impressive.

I agree with the Bard (and Whip). Go for it and good luck.

on Oct 29, 2007
the red hair


  

the worst vice is advice



are you sure? cuz sure seems to me that inserting a whole bag of marbles (specially those with like mickey mouse's face on em) one atta time into...but i digress.

in any event, no advice--just two observations.

1. in my experience almost all who drag their feet outta concern bout heing hurt seem unable to ever let it go. no matter how well things work out, it's still there somewhere waiting to be hauled out, unpacked and permitted to justify its own existence.

2. ain't seen you in forever. other than this difficulty, mrs lincoln, how are you enjoyin the play?
on Oct 29, 2007
ok, well, I told her how I feel... and much to my chagrin, she believes we are not romantically compatable... whatever that means... so basically she is just another succubus who wants to drain me emotionally whilst giving nothing back in return... like any guy (that is not homosexually inclined) needs a hot chick for that... that is what close friends are for, and I already have enough of them...

So, now I really don't know what to do... the most likely outcome is that the walls will go back up as far as she is concerned - we will just pen this one down as another valuable lesson in life, but this ship has got to sail, and if she doesn't want to get on board, that is her perogative.. the self loathing isn't there, I got a nice smile from a girl on the bus just this morning, which tells me all I need to know, but I still doubt my own feelings... sure I will get over that in time as well...

Kingbee, I don't have the same presence here as I used to, for a plethora of reasons, but I still lurk around, you can be assured of that... and of course, aside from present situation (which will blow over soon no doubt) the play is extremely good... although I do digress... I still have lingering feelings pertaining to my destiny of certain greatness, alas, I still don't know how said greatness is going to be acheived... you guys will be the first to know!
on Oct 29, 2007
tell me about it LW... I never thought I would be attracted to her when I first moved in, but you can never choose who you are attracted to...

I hate to say it, but I really can't be assed moving out myself, so I will just turn on the asshole and hope she gets the hint.
on Dec 18, 2007
Are you worth her, Mark? If not, can you blame her? Would you trust you? Trinitie
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